aftermath

The anger and frustration hasnt abated. Ive gone back to blocking myself from the world by blasting GnR Rammstein and RATM at max volume and generally feeling itchy twitchy. JC rant-loner-pissedoff days. I want to punch, i want to kick. I want to smash something. I see you standing there, you think youre so cool. Why dont you just fuckoff! Because now i have an excuse to let out all this anger. pinpoint blind fury. Oh been so long since i felt that way. So damn long. Fuck you i wont do what you tell me. Despite what ive said in the last post im still rather angry. You want to antagonize me? antagonize me motherfucker, get in the ring motherfucker and ill whip your lily ass. I shouldnt, but i am. I feel very very twitchy. A bullet in my head, i got a bullet in my fuckin head.

Been having that dull throbbing hammer-in-the-head all day. Jet's migrane stick is coming in rather handy. Im actually thankful Jet's around in the com lab; there's someone to talk to at least. Joined by Tuty for lunch. Erm. Good brandy-soaked fruitcake. Had more chat that confirmed my suspicion on the barracuda theory. Good thing im in, not out. Heard a very sorry story about a poor soul who didnt know about the group and generally got screwed from all 10 directions. Chinese say "Shi mian mai fu". No where no one to run to. I shudder. Ill try to bring more yr ones into the group if i can; ive got to, for my own good too.
Its only then when i began to realise the extent of the damage and situation the tsunamis have caused, as jet began to list down the casualties from each area. omg. I didnt know. I had seen hy's blog but i didnt know. Not that extent. Who am i kidding, i think it was more of dodnt bother, damn bastard. Ive not been listening to radio, watching tv or reading the news for the past 5 days or so; in fact our family didnt, interestingly. When i read hy's post i echoed to mum n dad if they knew anything about the quake, no they didnt. Still thats no excuse. Then as we moved off to town i saw papers around showing all those dreadful images. Ah shit. Im really shocked.
Ah shit. Im shocked at myself.
Here i am bothered so much with my own problems i didnt give no hoot about outside situations and the catasthrophe that has happened. Whats it with me. Just taking life for granted.
Reached home and im really dread to open the papers. Just scanned through them. I really dont think i can cope with all this right now. Um. Its still very shocking.


sheesh.

Anyway, wanted to say that i dont think i want to apply for SEP anymore. Not in year 2 at least; it isnt worth it as much as year 3. Yr 2 offers pretty basic modules that are allocated to you. No choice given. Only in year 3 do you get to specialise and choose for your preferred modules. Im actually aiming for Uni of Adelaide, which i think has a rather strong programme for environmental biology & ecology. And these modules will only be offered in year 3 onwards, so i think ill have to wait a little while. If i go in year 2 it'sll be wasting my time and effort.

I also wanted to say thanks for the ladies for lettin me hang around; call it estrogen therapy but it did help me calm down somewhat. Just simple chatting and lameo jokes, silly blogwars et al helped with some distraction. Felt better at any rate. Didnt feel like going for salsa coz i dont think i could concentrate enough to do my steps corretly. Prolly end up stepping on my potential sugarmummy's toes and pissing her off. Then no more sugar mummy.

There are 2 ways to my estate. One is a longer lamp-lit pedastrian path, the other is the shorter , rarely used rubbly dark route cutting through a wasteland slope. I usually take the latter home.Theres a favorite spot of mine, its a slab of concrete thats white under the dim moonlight. So i knelt down there and started to pray, beg for forgiveness and strength, and for all the poor afflicted. For those trapped and suffering i pray their torment ends fast. For those awaiting rescue i hope they hang in there while help arrives. And i pray that the red tape dosent hinder rescueops too much; each minute counts. Its not much that ive offered, with just that little bit of word and prayer. i ought to be ahsamed of that.

I think i freaked out someone behind me, i could hear footsteps and then stop for the minute i was down. Only when i got up and left did i hear footsteps again. Whatever, i did feel better after it. Didnt dare look back tho.
Ive got to find a more secluded "favorite spot by the rubbly road". this is getting really wierd.


Ill be changing my blog address soon; some things writteh here aren't privy to sibling eyes.