The music of the night

A sad sad tale it was. The most poignant film i have watched since a long, long, long time. The impact on me was great, maybe because it is the 1st time ive actually watched this story, and 1st impressions hit the hardest.

Halfway through it could be seen that the phantom could never win, never be accepted, and was bound to die or escape forever from humanity. From a humanity he could not understand, loathed, hated, envied, loved, wanted, sought.

i care nothing for raul, he is but a picture-boy, an orlando bloom in the pirates of the carribean, eye candy, and destined to be loved. TO the phantom is where my heart ached and felt for.

The poor, wonderful, beautiful, ugly, sad sad soul, creature of the night, carried with him an immense, slow, steady sadness that would be as calm and noisome as an oily sea. It would reflect no light, and would never be turbulent. I didnt think he could have cried. The tears that welled up would dry before they spill from the eye. For him there is no release. None at all. Destined to be in the dark forever, chained to himself, chained forever. The worst kind of sadness. One that can find no release, no relief, not even momentarily.

Oh to cry, oh to cry, i feel the clench and the ache when i saw all the injustice of the world but i would not cry.






As i walked home tonight i *sensed* a pack of wolves running down the slope from the cemetery, surrounding me, no escape. It was so startling i gasped. That sudden fear i felt so often in my sleep. It was but a fleeting moment. I avoided cars and lorries for fear of something darting out beneath to take a bite out of me.

What is happening to me? are my dreams starting to take control of conciousness? i am very afraid. Of clinical disinterest i think all this is self-induced, if i can turn all this off ill be fine. But how do you turn something that dosent have a switch?
I am seriously distressed. I must stop this soon or i fear i might lose my mind. I am already feeling so unstable. I gnaws and eats at me.
Ich habe theory: My idle mind is lacking stimuli and faces shutdown, or at least switching to very low awareness. To prevent that, neurons fire imagination and inner thinking to keep the mind "hot". But this thinking is killing me. I look forward very much to the coming of the new semester. Maybe with my mind occupied with studies it can actually take a break while i try to sort this whole mess out.

I'm so tired i cant sleep
Oh. fuck macho-guy talk or whatnot, i do feel like crying. It is unbearable.