point zero

It occurs to me that i might be finally nearing point zero, hitting rock bottom. The point that i wanted to write about but never came to it, a point that can go no where lower but up.
I suppose i could talk about it now. I think of all the freinds ive had recently, and am addicted to each one of them; each one a special flavour, because to me they seem so alive and living so fully. And how does this come about? I noticed that most of them had experiences change their life, and by doing so began to live more truely to themselves. All of them live true to themselves. I was an animal, instinctual person then, and with this fresh breath i got a whiff of i was intoxicated. Catalyst i might say. So it is this "experience" that they have gone through that changed them. IT can be anything; physical event, or even an internal battle that was fought out and resolved(notice i dont say won or succeeded; some things cannot be won. For that we will have to adapt to it then). It can be just that personal thing in taking effort and pleasure in what you do, enjoying the journey instead of just wanting to get from point A to B. For some cases it is traumatic. For me, i believe that only a traumatic experience might have enough juice to jolt my mind out of the current half state i am in. I fear this may be happening now. Soon things will start to go downhill. Already my mom has come to ask me if im family at all; i spend time alone all day if not outside then in my room, at night when i return home i stare at the screen typing this bullshit more than i see my family's faces. I feel bad about this. I get spooked easy now, i feel haunted and im really weak now. in all senses. I sense change. I am so preoccupied by myself that i neglectthe world outside at times, yet it still reaches out. another disharmony. Plenty disharmony, non symmetry. Discordia. Yet my mind is putting up a resistant fight, an inertial block that is hard to move. It generally hurts all the time, my head.
I am at my crossroad and i am drilling myself into the ground walking circles.
I cannot think but cannot stop. A mule who is unable to bear nor throw off its backbreaking load. An engine that is smoking but unable to shut off. Sinking deeper and deeper pulled by the undertow. I think i cant cry anymore, not even to just relieve tension. Like i siad fuck that macho shit. Theres only that dull ache that seems to come from everywhere then bursting through my chest in sharp jabs as i writhe and moan. Oh God WHAT is HAPPENING.

I dont even have the energy to do the cors, i cant rest either. what a bloody pathethic state. My mind is just a perpetual buzz of white noise.

Oh i think i might need help.
Im sorry. i need help. i think i do. oh stop. stop.