shards of a world

these few days have been lousy with brooding. so maybe the truth or another shade is cleared out: i generally do not like people. i do not suffer fools, do not tolerate people whose gab flows like a broken tap, or those who do not have enough sense to keep secrets secret. i despise people who play games, crooks and hypocrites; saying one thing while doing another behind our backs or stabbing another. this place is a crazy whirlpool of politics and seething camps. i dislike people, who, genuinely try to preach to me how selflessness should be, are in fact so innately self centered that they do not realise it. leaving behind another friend in lurch. ouh. am i asking too much to be with who i want to be? perfection cannot be attained while i try to seek it, so maybe i should be trying to be satisfied with just fragments. but it becomes so hard to even find or hold on to those few shards.

im probably very much the same as what ive typed, very truly a part of what i despise so much anyway. and maybe that is why i despise them so much. a slight despair in the make up of my own moral fibre.

but thankfully there are a few people whom i approve of, and these people do keep me sane, wether they know it or not. one of em was just very recently fired. fired for standing up for what he believed in, not because of any misperformance. this man, we affectionately call 'big ron' - mustachioed beefy cowboy of a ripe ol' age of 65 - he was what i'd call a 'gunslinger' - a person of the old worlds when morals, a code of honour and rules were paramount, above money and power - when courage, righteousness and acdeptance was what made a man, not his geldings, trappings and ikea furniture. just before he left he left me a gift, in true american fashion - models of a blue chopper and a flaming red chevy nomad. he couldnt pack it into his suitcase and really didnt want to throw it away, so he said ' here ya go kid - keep em well. couldnt think of a better guy to give em to'.
there are things in your possession what come attached with certain memories, good and authentic. these two models, when they sit on my desk in singapore, will be two of them.

big ron taught me something, or rather reinforced something i think is important. all through his life he'd been handed the backside of life, dished the scraps and given the lashings. but he never did falter, and had always held his head up high. this sort of thing you can see in a man's eyes - the fire that burns and never quells. he was content and yea, he did agree with my quote: "done bun can't be undone, so don't sweat the small stuff". so as i last saw him for the rest of my life, big man jacketed in a leather trenchcoat, coors in hand, bruce springsteen singing how it was to be born an american, steady in the strong wind, i waved my last goodbye as i went for work. my only sorrow is that i did not manage to get a photo with him.

well now i feel alot better - like the world wasnt so dark and hopeless. ron werent no man of greatness, but he held his own against the world and i respect that immensely. i do feel alot alto better now, and if for a while only it will be enough. enough of brooding for a while. thankee sai.

dear me - ive just been added to another blog. right now im not too sure im keen on that. but what can i say?


dedicated to big ron. yc out.