want to be a rancher?

back then you had deadlines to drive you on, now its just up to your internal reserves of self determination - i do hate that. sigh. things that ought to be done, in the immediate future:

....

now im at a loss

himalayas prep, talk to fayeth on regarding supplies
finalise chalet stuff
ism with doc don
ism with prof (which is a bitch)
grant from usp for fukuoka
plan itinerary for bintan trip

and half a million other things that will nip me in the butt in no time.

muse: dont kid yourself dont fool yourself this life was too good to last.
Im coughing alot less but nonetheless i feel like my lungs are in rot or something - its refusing to go away. I might get lucky and die, i guess. Of course, i wouldnt want that till ive expereinced all the wonders of the seven seas and beyond, so i guess im still stuck with the choice of life. Its beginning to become a real drag. Asked a friend last night if she'd want to live in the rustic country, complete with grit and all. Rancher style. Like those in Montana. Beautiful sunrises, stunnign sunsets. Snow in the winter, flowers in the summer. Milking cows and collecting eggs each morning. Bringing the cattle out to graze. Shooting the cayotes. Shearing each year. Driving down to rodeo each year. Repeat. The same, the same. She said id be good for a while but the monotony would eventually kill. Hell is a special kind of stagnation and languishing. I was left pondering with that the entire night - its more been a case of me driving myself onwards all the time since the more recent part of my life. Just following the signs, maam. If it really came down to the beautiful monotony and simplicity, i doubt id have a problem with that in the end. Id just sink back in. And that souless stare. Lord knows ive been there before, for a long long time. I dont know if i want to go back. And maybe i do. And not.

I've got so much to do, but id infinitely rather sit down and rot in my room reading a book maybe a whole series, food can wait, sleep can come, id be prefering to rot and not do anything but hating no loathing it immensly all at the same time. So many feelings, wow. Gah.

yc out.