Seeking the Dark Tower

On the path that eventually leads to the clearing in the woods, the Charyou Tree. Fraught with danger, fear and loss, and yet, fulfillment. Welcome.

Sunday, January 30, 2005

what am i

(onE)
I am death
to those that fly
As i cast their last breath
from the silk from my thigh
-twO-
On the wall I may be found
Or from heaven I'll come down
I'll help the lost
If I am found
#threE#
Letter by letter
You may fid yourself ranting
A stream of spoken words
That some might find enchanting
(fouR)
My role is moderation
My goal is consistency
If I clash
I will flare up to an intolerable degree
\fivE/
A party of tears
And a liquid trail
I try to sleep
But no avail
*siX*
I am what you want
And what you fear
A hidden movie
Behind your ear
[seveN]
Break me
And i will disappear
With no mess left behind
And no crash to overhear
@eighT@
I am always in sight
Your twin in the light
In your darkest hour
I will be devoured
#ninE#
Sodomites and whores
Indicted for their passions
Not part of a moral code
Nor accepted with compassion
Easy to point accussing fingers
Ready to light the burning witch
See them here, they're right in front of you
Which is which, are you one too?
xteNx
You don't have to see me
To lift me
But if you lift me
You can drink me
{eleveN}
I have three eyes
But my root has two
I have all the time in the world
Much more than you


what am i

************************************************************
ok, i do know 1=spider, 6=dream, 8=shadow. The rest? urgh! Help! I need these answers so tht i can d/l some juicy song files off Johnny Hollow (www.johnnyhollow.com)

Saturday, January 29, 2005

tyler keeps silent for once.

Too little time to write. Am not liking it. A few things:

Tyler kept silent when i needed him the most. Then Tyler says, Where'd you go, emo-boy? I was there all the while. You didnt want me speak at all. Once again he's right. Emoboy here needs a whipping i think. so once again raplh takes a walk and this time its the shadows he stays in. Irritatingly, parents are right again. Tyler too, i hate. Cant do without, cant wait to be without.

Mom --> Commissions arent bad. Its the influence later tht matters. Family was never the buisness sort. Will only screw things up. Point noted. Still, i do love publicity and all that shite. I still do not see whats so morally wrong with comissions. True our values are different. PArt of me wants to bel ike them, another part sez its bullshit. Tyler's not bothered with either. Family IS diff from me in some ways. Values esp. Thts the source all all discordia in house and am taking it badly coz i really want agreement form both sides. Guess ill have to settle on acceptance. So i will not go for the commission thing, i guess. If only to respect the values of parents, and also to be cautious.

Maturity cannot just come. Maturity is experience. maturity isnt how much youve been through, its how long. Coz a 40 yr old will be infinitely more exp than a 21. At least, this is the case in my situation. This i shall heed. I used to and still destest all those ppl who think they are mature but actually arent, and do things they think are but arent. I might be turning into one of them.

Shadow: isnt my parent's. Its my own. Self doubt. Its rather big.

Moving to pgp, for better or worse, is welcome. Now i get to live for my own. Ill see how it goes. Stepping out of shadows might be harder, and now without even the agreement and approval from my parents, this seems so much harder. Daunting. Much daunted. Tyler's gonna be having lots of fun now.





Saturday, January 22, 2005

ralph takes a walk

Ralph often took long walks through the barrens, under the hot hot summer sun. And by the time he was halfway through, his head would be buzzing and swimming, his eyes blurred and its hammers all again. Sometimes it got so loud that it actually managed to block out the watch's tick tick tick tick tock of worry, block all reasoning and block all thinking. Then he'd remeber someone telling him
[ay, ralph, that guy he crazy like a fox! You do well watch it]
to watch out for himself when he was out there in the barrens, should he fall or faint in the sun there would be no one to save him, no one to greet him as his brain addled and fried in the heat, except for the flies. But hell it was good excercise, and he needed the walk to clear his head. Or at least fizzle it to static for a while. Sometimes walking didnt cut it and he began to run, to pump his legs ever forward till they hurt and felt like lead, till his chest burst in fine spray of red and when his tongue was sandpaper rasping the roof of his mouth. Ragged breaths would chase him down and then finally overtake him as the static fizzle became louder.

And there were the times where the thoughts came hard and fast and there was no respite and he would gasp involuntarily. These often took place at night as he stared out of his window and see the arcs of sodium lights turn everything into sharp distinct contrast of melachony orange and black. Yet in the blackness indistinct amorphous
[ghosts monsters gorillas]
shapes moved about rallied round the house waiting to strike. Sometimes the thoughts dispelled the shapes, sometimes it only reinforced their ranks. So he did what he did again, long walks in the blackness, the shadows keeping close company as he tried to avoid the cars and their dead occupants still trapped within and underneath, blackening and ripening to a sweet cloying smell. Sometimes the dead would move and turn to smile
[ay ralph howssit doin? wen you gonna join us]
their toothy grins as their lips peeled back to everlasting joyfulness. These cars he would shun and try to stay in the
[deadlights its called the deadlights]
sodium lights. but that made him easier to spot so he tried to move fast in and out of the shadows. His anxiety would stay until the toughts came to devour him again and he would be untouchable again, the dead occupants remained dead and the shapes were just shadows. Sometimes he preferred it this way, sometimes not.

Sometimes ralph resolved his issues with thoughts, sometimes he wouldnt.

And sometimes when the weather was really hot, he would slip on his sandals, and make for he barrens again. Sometimes his issues were resolved, sometimes not. He tries really hard, but
sometimes his brain would just
[addle and fry in the heat].
not cooperate and things would not be resolved. Still he tries, and taking walks so far have been the best remedy to all of man's ailments so that was what he was doin
he was walking

Labels:

Saturday, January 15, 2005

this is MINE!!

Seven Hundred And Fifty Dollars, and Forty Cents only
$650 from the 10 who just signed up, $100.40 from the donation tin.
Woohoo. Projection: $4,000 at least by the end of the month. This is going big.
This is MY project. Im cashing in BIG.

And biodiversity is MY module. ITs MY turf. Im amazed at how little General knowledge and zoological knowledge the average joe has. Oh yes i was the market spoiler, the TA's pet for answering all her questions and for answering some of the questions the students pose. Oh how must some of them hate me >=P.. Sheesh. Never even heard of the terms New World and Old World. hahah. oh dont i love this mod. Finally its something that i really love, really am good at, really taking to it like fish to water. One big barracuda swiming the depths. siiiggghhh.. never felt sooooo good. oh wait till we get to Changi Beach. Where i 1st alerted the environ grps and actually helped save one nice little chekjawa spot off coast. Just they wait. ill introduce them to my friends the bleny, the peacock and carpet anemone, and who can forget the polychaetes and their allies, especially eunice aphroditis. *BEAMS*


(muse for myself)
i believe we all think far too much. we want answers and we want em fast.
we think too much and run ourselves to the ground. we thinkandthinkandthink and its like scraping at the concrete wall with a metal spooon. sometimes just gotta yield and let things flow. sometimes its good to just stop thinking, get your ass off the chair or whatever, go for a run, do something to take your mind off things. then the mind is refreshed and better equipped tio think again

Friday, January 14, 2005

yikes

gosh. rereading all my stuff, this blog is very dark indeed. morose melancholy what have you. woah. scary. who is this person that generates so much moodiness and darkness? Is blogging the cause, that facilitated the growth of such dark musings or is it merely an output for all the pent up darkness waiting to envelop everything else?
I hope this is just transitory. I do pray that this wont last.

ohmigosh. scary.

yikes.

ripped from jacob

Hoo boy. i just love what Jacob has said. Gets me thinking of all my frens who have flown away never (or at least for a long time) to return. My fear of stepping out of my own shell, the banality and hyprocrisy and cynicsm ive grown to hatehatehate so much. so im ripping it off and pasting it here so tht it i can be mine to read:

Coming here has made me realize (other than homesickness), that people back home can be so so different. What do I mean by different? Well, I mean that cooped up in our little island, most of us have been conditioned not to venture beyond our comfort zone, to only see issues from a SINGAPOREAN perspective, ignoring the cultural context in which these issues develop. Cooped up in our little island, we fail to see beyond the economics of our own humanity, choosing rather to seek out an education for economic purposes rather than for the quest of knowledge. Are we too pragmatic that we have failed to be blind to that rainbow? Do we like the adults in Peter Pan, fail to believe in Tinkerbell after we grow up? We love to push the blame on others, the government, the education system etc, but we fail to blame ourselves and see that the 'accursed education system at NUS' treats us so because of how we might perceive it to be. I am not saying that the system is perfect. What I am saying is that our perspectives on how politics and education SHOULD be, shape the direction of these Institutions.
Somehow, I am afraid that when I graduate, I might have to face the 'Singaporean reality', getting a job, a girlfriend and what-not. I was speaking with 2 of my floormates the other day and they said that Valentine's day is not widely celebrated here in Germany or europe for that matter except between couples who would have some quiet time with each other. I see the opposite back home where, pressured to conform by a self-serving mentality that emerges from people, couples would go out in droves on the streets on Feb 14 just to show their affection for each other. Its only on Feb 14 that couples act MORE lovey dovey and are MORE prominent in our landscape. Its on Feb 14 that you as a single feel ostracized. Why must we feel that way? IF we want to change things...we have to take the first step. Only then will the political landscape change. The narrative of hardwork dfoesnt work out anymore. We have been fed a series of lies. If you want to achieve satisfaction for your life...make your own goals and go for them. Dont conform to the narrative of cash,car,creditcard..etc...it would probably ruin you and make you cynical like what it has done to others before us.

learn to be still

I am the wrecker of words. Screwed up cuz sheep today. Apparently my msn's msging crashed her comp, and her her hour-plus worth of typing's gone to laptop heaven. oops. I've been barred from chatting with her henceforth, unless she talks to me first. Oh well. *twiddles thumb*

Some talking and ive gained some headway in my thoughts. thanks thus. I hope you gain some headway in your journey too. Or at least uncover a few new paths. The world is ahead and there are an infinte number of paths. I cant think of how to put all this down, its all in my head but in diffuse form. Maybe after sunday when ive got everything sorted out, ill write it down. Part of it is: Sometimes its better to yield. Mom has tried that and it works. Sometimes there can be no solutions. Or none that fit your eye. sometimes to yield might be better. Another is the constant yearning to be the center of the universe. Deep down, everyone does. Its just how they try to be it, or if failing that try to be in it. And in so many ways too. So comes another shift in the configuration. Maybe Tyler Durden was right after all. OR at least some of what he preached. And my thoughts grow confused once more. In the endless race. Orobas eating itself. Running the mobius strip. the center of the universe and the heavenly bodies that revolve it. The unique snowflake. the human waste. The rock bottom. The bottom. The big bang. the space monkey. the wolves who hunt. The hunt. The yearning to be free of humanity. The yearning to return. The frightful fog, the shroud. All this has something central to it. For now i think this should suffice. listen to the Eagles. They hold a special place in my heart. And all they're trying to say, for now, is, sometimes, you just got to be still.

It’s just another day in paradise
As you stumble to your bed
You'll give anything to silence
those voices ringing in your head
You thought you could find happiness
just over those green hills
you thought you would be satisfied
but you never will-
learn to be still.
We are like sheep
without a shepherd
We don’t know how to be alone
So we wander ’round this desert
And wind up following the wrong gods home
But the flock cries out for another
And they keep answering that bell
and another starry eyed messiah
meets a violent farewell
learn to be still.
Now the flowers in your garden
They don’t smell so sweet
Maybe you’ve forgotten
The heaven lying at your feet
There are so many contradictions
in all these messages we send
So we keep asking
How do I get out of here
Where do I fit in?
Tho the world is torn and shaken
tho your heart be breaking
ITs waiting for you to awaken
till then
Learn to be still

Thursday, January 13, 2005

i mourn the loss of my dance pardner

I mourn the loss of my dance pardner. Although she at times fumbled (which is not to say i didnt myself), she was always tolerant and enduring. I shall miss her then. Sobs. Well i think i wont be going there so often anymore myself, at least till i manage to get the pgp room. cuz sheep sez its gonna take least a month before we can get rooms. doubleyouteeaff mate?!
The Xenbar thing's getting better. Justin's agreed to extend the deadline: Cool. Now I'll have to come up with a poster: Uncool. Pasting it all over the campus: uncool. Having loads of mail, sms, calls and excel spreadsheet messiness: Really uncool. Having politics seep into this project of mine, having people badmouthing others who have been helping me out while the person didnt do shit for nuts RIGHT in front of me and apologise without so much a hint of apology: Bloody steamin' uncool. I cant wait till this is over.
Its always the case. You dont go salsa for a long time, u startin to think its a bloody waste of time. But the instant you step in and do the 1st round of basic it all comes back and suddenly youre hooked all over again. Proud of the fact that i still have my motion and moves with me. Well the moves precious few, ive forgotten most save the really good ones. Like that NP girl sez: you fall so deeply in love with it youll come down even when ur project ends 9pm. Well shes bloody good so i cant say much.
What i can say is that its in direct contest with other priorities. I really want to go work out, help out in the summit stuff, relief stuff, ocr stuff, climb, so many things to do. and i REALLY want to study. Time management never seemed so tough. Oh not to forget blogging, im kinda hooked to it as well. And ive yet to settle own issues too.

The fog the shroud the mist is returning, the low point the disintegration is looming again and i urgently need time to think it out. Maybe this sunday ill scram out of my house, head down to some quiet spot like Mcritchie or Bukit Timah and just sit down meditate or something. Think ill need that. Think ill do that.

home is behind
the world ahead
and there are many paths to tread
through shadow, to the edge of night
until the stars are all alight
mist and shadow, cloud and shade
hope shall fail
all shall fade.

hehe. Kev told me the story of the gentlemanly knight who carried his darling across a puddle of water. I cringe and bear my teeth. Too much it reminds me of the fake stuff teenyboppers do. But then coming to think of it, it is actually alright, if its all truthfullness. In truth it will be ok. Its actually all right. Heheh. After all i did chew on a rose and serenade before. heheh. hilarious that one was, tho.

More musing along the way home:

Why did God bar adam and eve from the apple tree?
Why bar them from obtaining knowledge?
Why have it there in the 1st place?
More importantly: Was there a choice to have it placed in the garden in the 1st place?
Implications, implications. Kev sez he's got the ans to this but is too busy tending to his darling joyce's ankle. heh, Yc hopes her ankle recovers soon too. Think i sent him a little too many wierd msgs just now; i tend to get like tht when i start thinking too much and switch to another of my wierd moods.

Oh ive just started another blog to have discussions with clar n kev on evolution n creationism n intelligent design. and eventaully anything that troubles and pops up in the mind. Its unlearnyouparadigms. Nothing posted there right now. Soon i hope. Tending to 3 blogs. Waht is this, some kinda collection spree??



Bide thy time,
watch the train.
Watch real carefully.
Just watch it.
Careful. Be real careful.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

damage control!!

Another tiring day. No idea why so. only had 2hr of lessons, then sorting of mail and reading abt dinosaurs. "THE DINOSAUR HERESIES" tell of new theories on dinosaur physiology, behaviour, evolution and extinction. A far cry from the victorians who saw them as stupid lumbering monsters("Dinosaurs were failures in the evolutionary test of time" they said. sheesh!). Why tired? Might it be the fact tht im trying to suppress a flu? Enjoyed the pasta at the pgp cookout, tho im paying for it as usual, tummy doth protest pasta when sick. And its hammers again.

Evo IVLE forum wars have started. So far Anne's dropped the biggest bomb. Ive been to engrossed with dinos to actually read up on critical stuff and reply. too tired now anyway. do it 'morrow. I dis enjoy reading abt popper n kuhn. Suspect tht clar's creation mags use cooroborative methods instead of falsification. We'll see how. Decided to borrow his Ken Ham book n creation mags again to read. Ill have to bring myself up to speed if i want to live thru this. Its survival of the fittest, and my fitness isnt anywhere near 1. more like 0.2.. ergh.

Rather shocked n unhappy about an incident today. Saw that cute girl from class passing by and i told a friend beside tht she was. So he called her over to tell her tht. Oh man. Dont think she was amused. Im in shock. Can picture her looking glancing at me n saying "creep". ugh. Seriously now. If a guy buddy tells u some ham's boobs are nice u dont tell her when she comes round that the guy said ur cantalopes are big. ok im exagerrating but thts how it felt. Sigh. Well done bun cant be undone, guess ill have to live with her picturing "creep" erytime she notices me. heheh. No im not harboring any hard feelings to that buddy of mine. Now that ive gotten this outta my system,

i'd like to address the pokethingy issue. Im sorry that its gotten into quite a bit of a mess, spanning continents(!). I do say again i absolutely abhor pokecrap, its a personal issue, like the way somw have with boybands etc. ( i do abhor bb too). Teddies are fine, whats wrong with them? Well, yeah ive been told i react too well to let go of it, i did get carried away and yeah it was fun for a while but its begining to bite back hard. My fault for making it thus. With great power comes great responsibility huh, as jacob sez. So now i implore to you all who are capable of feeling sympathy,
hath pity on this poor fellow here. Im going to stop posting and adding fuel to fire, cant win in this kind of situation anyway. Imploring to you all to stop too. And hopefully no scottish bards will sing 'ode to the nessie lover'. It was worth all the fun, but its kinda getting potentially damaging. I'd like it not reach that stage. *shudder*

And that goes for the fetish issue too, its rather dehumanising at times. Not that i really mind it, but picture this: grp of frens play 'family'. A becomes da, B becomes ma, C n D become kids. And poor D gets the position of Dog. humiliating isnt it. Again i am exagerrating, but just to show the point. I really am a fan of the gigerisque alien form, i like it for the sleekness and symmetry. Well some may not see it.. Call me wierd call me geek then, heh i dont mind. Im fine with the name calling and alleged liasons to xeno/zoomorphic forms. But im still human arent i? I do possess feelings and sensitivities too, contrary to popular belief. Sometimes it seems like im not being taken seriously any more. But what i DO NOT want to happen is that people stop joking round and the "hush-up-when-YC-comes-coz-oh-he's-rather-sensitive-to-this-and-that-you-know-lets-talk-about-the-weather" situation sets in. Hate that. Im no diamond cutter but im no fragile glass either. Please, thts not u, tht'll be a mask u wear for me. I really wouldnt like tht. Defeats the purpose of having frens anyway.
Sheesh i really didnt want to post this down.

In any case, with this out of the way:
Decided to take the SN1101E South asia mod. The one lionel said rather bluntly abt how u get to see the 'sufferings and corruptions' of a few nations. Heh. If i take that itll be 10-6 NONSTOP for me on mons. Will have to decide if i can take it. Well both luqman and lionel sez its damn easy so that is a very major drawing factor. I do need the points this sem! So by next week ill decide whether to take SN1101E South Asia or USE2305southeast asia. Hm. Decisions decisions.

The xenbar things still going strong. Will go down to discuss finer details with Justin @ xenabr tmr. Anyone keen to come have a look see be at kent ridge mrt 6pm. I hope my flu's ok by then. This is probably the only thing ill do for the 1st wave. Its big enough and a bloody headache as it is already. I must say im really not tht happy with the stands some ppl are taking on this affair. Shant say too much, not prudent to. I believe my sentiments are already discussed in fine detail by other(s). oh well. 2nd wave? anything. i remember that ive signed my name in blood beside the pentagram on the infernal contract so i guess ill have to honour it. XD XD XD




oh shit. Jet's foreign friends are starting to really take notice n sniffling at the post. This is NOT GOOD. Not good at all.

RUINED

First day of school and im already nursing a cold and tickling throat. Been pumping myself full of fruitjuice all day. Placebo or otherwise its worked before n i like fruit juice so why not. Its been hammers all day. Chem was just so boring. I will grow to hate LT27, for fact that im to spend 8 hours each week listening to REALLY dry profs on REALLY dry topics like org. chem and stats. Oh my life.

On a better note theres evolution which i absolutely LOVE. Time to trash em creationist ninnies. And the books! the Reading materials. Oh i would read them all if i could. Oh boy its all so darn interesting i just cant wait to jump into the fray. Bring it on, bring it on. This was what i was made for. claw fang and razor tongue barbed with facts. Whee.

So ive got this mod SEA: Making of a region. Had hoped the prof'll be ernest chew, had an instant liking to the fellow. Instead ive got a bugger named yeo. Dunch know who he is either. We'll see tmr then wont we.
Bear has got a mate. Darker tan too. Same feature. How sweet. Seems like Prof Chew's son thought bear was lonely and decided to donate his bear. Heh. ill call bear RIBBON. Royal Imperial Beige Bear Of Nessie (on behalf of its distinctive bowtie).

Schiese. So now ive been given a new nickname. I tell you all, you guys are just plain damn MEAN. Pokecrap to me strikes 9 on my banality alert, along with boybands n tubbies. URGH!! Gotta burn em all! I seriously, really dislike stuff like this. Sigh.

Schiese. Shit. Merde. This whole thing is going downhill REAL fast. Now even Jet's friends 1/2way across the world are picking on it. Making it into a song?!?! Oh gosh. I swear. i am REALLY traumatized now. I shall dig a hole and not come out till a month later. ArgHHH. Im RUINED.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

night, a magical time
Soft, silent. Glistens like a dewdrop in the soft smooth moonlight
perched on a leaftip in a dark grove
moonbeams softening edges with sprinkled starlight.
brook that slowly gurgles to sing along with the cricket ensemble
while softly sighed the nightbird with the soft wind's whisper

don't you wish to be there

Oh what a beautiful time night is, dark night that conceals presence
no pretense
and all coy emotions come out unbidden
each breath plays a certain
sweet sour pleasing painful scent
rising crest and falling trough
deeper, deeper, higher, higher
beautiful and sad
beautiful and sad
beautiful but sad

unique snowflake adrift in its own world
like so many other infinite worlds
the universe within its grasp
the universe in its grasp
its own universe is its whole
singing its own
music of the night

Friday, January 07, 2005

Like, BEND OVER and KISS YOUR ASS GOODBYE

you dont understand what you are doing, or why you are doing this. Most of all, you are frustrated. Then the weak die. If you belong to the weak, you die.

Why the hell are ppl so interested in phy Geog?! freaking 700 over at 11am. Jap i wont even mention. So i drop both. All the other mods with one point CLASH. If you belong to the weak, you die.
So you see 2 bidders for 1 vacancy, max n min bid consistently at 18/17 at 2.55pm. Two scenarios:
1) 2 desperate fools with very little points gunning for the last seat
2) 2 clowns playing mind games, waiting till closed bidding then dumping their ENTIRE load into it.

Now enter a third desperate fool, bidding with his last 54 points, hoping that his feint works.
Otherwise, ummmm. Bend over and kiss this fool's ass goodbye.

If you belong to the weak, you die.
May nuggets of merde be sticking to your rear end fur.


Thursday, January 06, 2005

Hope

So it is hope that one clings to then. The pinpoint lights in the vast blackness. That surrounds. Hope that says, hang in there, help is on the way. even if you never reach the pinpoint lights you see it, and its a motive force that propels you and drives you on. Hope, an emotion that originated from the percolation of chemicals in the brain driving towards an inevitable decision. Hope that overcomes insurmountable odds. Even in the dark. Hoping beyond hope and hope eventually delivered. And hope might not even be the wish to be back to an original desired state. Sometimes it is hope that a state of resolution is reached, that things may finally settle down and till one is content. It is hope then that allows one to live on even when he is already a dead man walking, hope that hope might just live. For others. For others. I still cannot understand properly how one can be so selfless that the self is neglected. So many cases i have seen but still do not comprehend fully. Hope that overcomes self preservation, and in sacrifice that hope may flourish and survive. And maybe it is just that: hope. That hope might survive, even if self does not. And maybe sometimes that is enough.

Oh die welt wird mit traurigkeit, schmerz, betrug und lugen. To look all around and nary find a glimpse of light. Dark todash und discordia. Oh for some taduki to forget, to leave and retreat back. Aber dann es gibt hoffnung. A decayed world's last saving grace.

modules n expectations. bimbos.

im still bugged by the xenbar thing. Its all the tiny details im afraid of that i might miss or not not know of at all till too late. Im dealing with an outside pte entity, lots of money and the trust of plenty other students. Maybe thts y im loathe to send out the mail. Need pro help here! Ok thanks hy for suggesting a booth. IF i can actually get Yanqing and Hamzah to come down to dance during some busy hour.. hm. Ill take a few more shots at the email then.

So it comes down to this. Appeal flung out of the window. General account down to ZERO. rest of the modules i want CLASH.

Biodiversity - Not the usp one. Sci fac one. Its gonna be bloody slack, and its my PET TOPIC. If i dont get at least an A- for this i am a purple assed baboon.

Org Chem - Suddenly i hate chem alot. Bloody long lectures, tutorials and smelly labs filled with carcinogens. Crap. I expect a B+ for this.

Stats n Prob - Shiieeett. HAve i told anyone how much i HATE math. Enough said. Still, its said to be like A Lev standard so im expecting nothing less than B+. If i try hard enough and manage to shoot down enough PRCS then i probly can get A-.

Evolution - Another PET TOPIC!! i can crapcrapcrap all the way!!! Wheeee!!! A-.

Geography (terrestrial and coastal landscapes) - Now this came as a suprise. Ill take it because i stumbled across it, am good at it(at least in Sce school), and think it can be of a little revelance to ecology, esp to mangrove and esturial habitats. I have no idea how this shall be like, so im banking on a B+, nah A-.

Rather high expectations imo. I cannot expect anything less. I have been playing too much last year and now i must regain momentum. I pray that choosing to stay in PGP will not be a folly, and that i can manage myself well enough that i may juggle all the projects and academia well enough to get what i want.

***********************

Yikes talk about poseurs and bimbos. Went out with JC classmates to celebrate ck's bday, so the trio irene kat n jenny was there. Could see the marked diff in speech. 1st irene will slur her aussie speech then jenny and kat followed. CRINGE!! aiiieeee!!! Jenny most of all!! going ard acting like bimbo know it all. Oh gosh. Was i not feeling uncomfortable. Gene was just sombre, ck ignored it, while tim n i just watched. Horrible. Makes skin CRAWWWWLLLL. How poseur can one get!?
Er. Tim says he's got insider info on me. like wtf. What he says isnt true, but nevertheless i will seek out and terminate this alleged leak. like, wtf man.


Wednesday, January 05, 2005

self censorship

Or rather not. Thought i was going to turn in early. Ive got half a dozen or so posts ive put as drafts coz i dont really dare put it up yet. and just added another 2. Thats really bugging me. Now why would i feel so insecure about that? Its either self censorship or being responsible for what you type. Oh dont i wish to have a nice blogging service that just allows you to lock up specific posts.. till i feel comfy enough to 'publish' it. Right now think only LJ offers that, but LJ looks REALLY complicated. Another option is to create another blog and keep it for myself then. Think ill do just that. Something Subrosa. Hey. I like that. this way i can avoid the 'great exodus' and fret not about my sibling infestation.

Yet it might create the discordia and disharmony, non symmetry that i hate so much. Well nothing ventured nothing experienced. Ill see how it goes then.

Here goes. The dark tower opens another door.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Girls cant sew.

Now i understand how Feli feels. Packing IS tough work. You see the mountains and MOUNTAINS of 'donations' and it gets scary. And you get real pissed off too when you see skates or soft toys or even satin naughty little nothings. Sheeeeeeeeeeshhh!!! Im sure the stricken over at indonesia or india have use for these. Feeling horny? or bored tht they'll want to skate over the broken terrain? man oh MAN!! Ugly Singaporeans who just use this opportunity to dispose of their unwanted stuff. YEah i know New Year's coming but spare a thought yeah? Bitchnbastard.

And ive found out most of the girls CANT SEW>>> IM serious. i mean Do not know how to sew!! Sheesh! future tai tais. HEh. And i thought i was bad at domestic stuff.

Im managing to keep my promise. Many things i spied and wanted but resisted. So there were moments of weakness but i did prevail. Maybe its not that bad after all. My promise i will keep.

Im really tired. Slept all the way from amk int to woodlands int, one bloody hr. If not for faith id be waking to the bus captain staring in my face telling me to get out. Spent most of the day hauling and tossing heavy heavy bags, like how my granda did as a coolie a long time ago. Think of kungfu hustle. heh. Think tmr will be a ME day, all for me myself, and my bidding. Im hoping too much to think i can have 2 very popular modules. Im going to have to redraw a few alt timetables. Keep my fingers crossed. Hope i can get what i want. I need to do the postering too, which is NOT yet done. It will HAVE to be done my tmr. Not much time left. And why was i so stupid? instead of waiting for an account of our own, why not get the cheque straight to Red Cross? Idiot.
Ill turn in early today. hooray.


Monday, January 03, 2005

RESOLUTION

As my resolution and solemn promise to my parents i will stop breaching their moral law and never ever take easy pickings any more. It may not be my moral law or lie within my principles now but nevertheless i shall hold this promise true. Eventually i might come to accept it within my principles but that will be another matter.

May God and all those who have read this bear witness. I will keep my promise and

I do not intend to fail on this.