Seeking the Dark Tower

On the path that eventually leads to the clearing in the woods, the Charyou Tree. Fraught with danger, fear and loss, and yet, fulfillment. Welcome.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Two Dreams

there were two choices while i slept. one was the meathook. second was a long long drop. i didnt know the answer; i wasnt listening. The answer would have been useless anyway. fear was ultimate. the previous guy chose the hook and i could hear him. right down through the backbone, we were forced to watch. it was my turn next. then somehow the long drop seemed to vanish from my options; it was still there though. i could not take it, i feared too much, wanted too much. i wanted to live when there was no path there. i chose the third, the worst. i quit. i woke up.
instant, palpable relief. and regret. i know this isnt finished; deep down i know i will return back. i will be forced to choose. i dont know what to do when the hook comes again.

[this is the choice you give to them when you can't handle it yourself]

i walked into a dusty room of sorts. all around were shelves, with all manner of eldritch items aged old, old and ancient. one caught my eye. it was a little carved wooden thing, resembling very much like skinny, thin trojan horse. very abstract form. ive seen it somewhere before. like the one you'd see in greek stuff. smooth, sleek old sea-wood; polished by nature. then i discovered the aberration it held. at its head, were two mandibular extensions, tucked nicely into the form, it belnded in so well i didnt spot it at first.
Creeping horror.
It had no tail somehow, and the wood was dark, spotted, brown. like something had vested its influence on this horse; it was not natural. I did spook me badly.

[this is what you make them as]

And like in any storybook, regardless all the warnings i will proceed on.

Friday, October 21, 2005

the final step to godhood.

The most frustrating thing in my life has always been the limitations of my mind. Unable to express what i want, unable to achieve what i want to think of, unable to grasp a notion, or simply put unable to make the connection. even now i feel a slight annoyance and impatience for having to think through my process, struggling to find the correct words to express my sentiments.
The limitations of the mind. A bound mind. Bound by physical limitations, bound by logical limitations. The core basis that gave rise to our minds must surely be our neurons. The way and degree by which they connect only serves to determine and hence limit our thought capacities. and there can be only so much connection made. We still take time to come to conclusions, whatever they be. And after a certain level of complexity, it often may take years to make a jump in a thought porcess.

alas. i lost my train of thought again. you see my point? Vexing.

It is this very nature of our neural mind, the complexities of connection that limits us. In the end it takes so much time to understand, grasp a topic. a fortune gifted to us is the wideware, we can access whatever knowledge we need, that has been already found. But chronos is still ever against us. By the time we get to be actually proficient in our fields we are already halfway through our short lives.
By the time we start developing our own theories and contribute to wideware, we only have so much time left. Look at how old prominent scientists are. By the time we are proficient enough to ably grasp the world and philosophy, chronos and biology play another cruel trick by slowly pickin our brains, killing off one neuron at a time, as its time is spent, and slowly but surely we are lowered into the mists of an old fart's ignorance. And in time a protesting mind is finally laid to rest as the rest of the body give up coping with the rigors of old age, and together with it, the entire thought collective that lies still very much alive within the brain, to be dragged unwillingly into oblivion.
It is the materialistic constraints that were inherently placed on our minds that frustrates me so. A bound mind can only achieve so much, experience so much, and at such a dear cost and with so much pain. (just look at the amount of headaces we go through understanding deacon's essay)

IF we were but able to breach these finite boundaries of physicality, the potential would be limitless. An unbound mind, what a thought! Free of the ravages of time, we would be able to travel past present and future, to anywhere. The wideware of the universe, would be fully utilized and put to use. This is better than mere immortality, by just living forever still be within the limits of the connections your brain can physically achieve. I would never want that. One would have to unlearn and relearn all over agian, cycle upon cycle. Unbound, we would be omnipotent, all knowing. Anything and everything that ever was and will be. There is a physics term for it, in fact. It is called the Omega Point. We would be eternal, yet never stagnant, for we could be everchanging and increasing. It would be the final step man could ever have. Beyond that, godhood lies.

A step which we may, no, cannot ever reach.

I am but a torubled young mind musing the eventuality of everything.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

To Amanda

i cant help but think of how it might have been my fault, or at least, that i could have done something to make it better. Well i do know it isn't, like it or not. I suppose each refuge has its price. Even so I'd like to think of how i could have made it better. There dosent seem to be any way that i could have been satisfied with, it seems. No rest for the weary spirit. Such a shame.
I'll be still around though, long after this. There isnt much that can be done is there?

No, no, i didnt think so.

Still. we go on. Long after being set in stone, we still do voyage the furthest reaches of the earth and deepest parts of our soul. Its never-ending you see?

When you do in fact see and read this message, know that i still do miss you, i still would know of you. Yet anything more would not be fair to either of us. Nonetheless i regret nothing; it was a pure and genuine time i cherished and i am sure you do too. Anything more would once again be unfair to both of us.
That part of my life is over, as does each second tick away. There may be other worlds than these but this one is over. So too, is this part of your life. Unequivocally, we can only remember it, cherish it, and keep it.
And then look again, a new day always begins somewhere. No worries.
Its a long way back to Eden. So stop to smell the flowers, then walk on. Dont sweat the small stuff.
The tower's ever above the horizon.